Rush hour traffic, an unexpected work trip or a sprained ankle – how often do we catastrophize or give our attention to minor setbacks, turning inconveniences into mini tragedies? I recently discovered a new filter by which to view – and speak about – the ups and downs in life and step out of complaining.
After a recent social event with a group of friends, some of whom I hadn’t seen in a long time, I noticed something. Lying in bed, staring at the dark ceiling, my heart smiled reflecting upon some of the conversations I had with people whom I cared about deeply. Each of these friends was thriving and struggling in their own unique ways.
But a few of the conversations I had were less fulfilling than others. Analyzing them later that night, I recognized why: these few conversations were oriented around individual hardship – particularly mundane ones like the difficulty in finding parking for the event or the sports tournament they were not happy to attend this weekend. They complained.
What I love about many of my friendships is the ability to go into the messy situations in life without pretense. But I also wonder if we overly fixate on the mess rather than the opposite, creating a barrier for connection? Troubles with parents, kids, work or health – these are real issues taking up meaningful space in our life. But the rest?
How can we share our lives without complaining? Complaining can have significant effects on our bodies, particularly through its impact on the brain, nervous system, and overall health. Those who do it frequently also make social interactions less enjoyable, leading to loneliness and strained relationships.
Without thought and intention, the ups and downs can become the center of our lives – and conversations. How much space can you give the annoying or challenging parts of life and stay positive?
Start with a “tragedy filter”
I heard a terrific discussion with Dr. Ellen Langer on the Andrew Huberman podcast. During it, she shared her “tragedy or inconvenience” framework, which I immediately began applying to my own life. (Watch her describe it in her own words.)
Essentially, when a negative situation comes up in yourself, take a pause and ask yourself: “Is this a tragedy or inconvenience?”
In applying this filter, you realize that whether in business or personal life, very few situations are tragedies. Dr. Langer suggests that the benefit of this approach is that in identifying a problem as an inconvenience, your brain and nervous system automatically calm down.
The scale of the problem also becomes minimized. Then, you can focus on “falling up,” meaning you focus on working towards resolution rather than engaging in a negative spiral.
Taking it one step further, once we know an event is an inconvenience, then we can orient our speech to follow. We avoid bringing up the topic or tread on it lightly in conversation. Instead of complaining about the traffic, we choose a different topic to discuss – a positive aspect of our lives or a real tragedy (obviously, only if appropriate for the audience).
The power of the reframe:
Applying the “tragedy filter” into our conversational lives isn’t about downplaying or ignoring the difficulties we face. True tragedies exist, and they require different coping mechanisms. The loss of a loved one, a serious illness, or a natural disaster are devastating events that demand time, support, and professional help.
Rather, it’s about developing a discerning eye for the difference. It is about knowing that many of our setbacks, while unpleasant, are ultimately surmountable. They are temporary roadblocks, not impassable cliffs. Thus, our attention – and conversation – can turn to more important aspects of life. You can try sharing problems mindfully, aiming for resolution rather than just expression.
So, how can we practically apply Dr. Langer’s “tragedy or inconvenience” framework? Here are a few steps I’ve found helpful:
- Pause and breathe when faced with a setback.
- Ask yourself: “Is this truly a tragedy, or is it an inconvenience?”
- If it’s an inconvenience, focus on solutions and next steps.
- If it’s a genuine tragedy, allow yourself to feel and seek support.
- Regardless of the nature of the setback, look for potential lessons or growth opportunities.
- Share problems mindfully in conversation, focus on resolution when you do
And perhaps it is not an all or nothing? It is certain that we will have moments of frustration and disappointment daily – and sometimes we want to vent. But, we also have a choice in how we perceive, respond to and talk about these experiences after that. In giving our attention to what matters and aligning our words with that, we create positive reinforcement of values we hold, including the learning that can come from life.
