The photo above was my bathroom counter when my now teenaged daughter was a toddler. “You’re smart, sporty and pretty,” I always have said to her, “but it is what’s on the inside that counts the most, don’t forget.”
But from the looks of my bathroom counter then – and now – I’m not so sure I believe that for myself. Particularly in midlife, I’m not so sure if I really believe this now. Truthfully, I still wrestle with the realities of being a woman and the desire to ease into becoming more of myself as time passes. How much upkeep is enough? When can you finally start to rest into something deeper than your outer nature? Does that mean I’ve given up?
For as long as I can remember, I have bought into the notion that a new lipstick, hair style or pair of shoes would enhance my life and make me happier, even if in a small way. Trips to OKC’s Penn Square mall as a teen would be centered around the latest clothes, shoes or makeup find, even before looksmaxxing was a thing.
It was a similar coming-of-age force then that drives our tweens to Sephora now. As girls enter womanhood, society ushers us into looksmaxxing and commercialism. So then we begin the never-ending chase for beauty and perfection, at least in America.
I write, at least in America, because on a recent trip to India this summer, I saw a very different tween archetype: beautifully simple teen girls with long braids in school uniforms and not bedazzled in jewelry, fashion backpacks or the hottest shoes. Economic and cultural factors in a developing nation are very different there than those of America, of course. But what I saw, on the surface, was that the beauty-obsessed tween is not a global norm. While the reasons why are complex, Indian teen girls in Uggs with full makeup and blowouts were not as common a sight as I see at home. Though I know that body shame and pressure exists in very different ways there, as family members were quick to comment to me on my and my kids body changes since our last visit. Each culture has its own pressures and norms.
The differences in these norms and standards of beauty across cultures has been on my mind for years – and in particular in the two weeks since I’ve been home. I see with fresh eyes how cluttered my bathroom sink is with products for hair, skin, anti-aging, acne, teeth whitening and body toning. In opening the packages waiting for me upon my return, I was angry at myself for the number of products that ship on auto-renew. These items were stuffed under my bathroom sink and sucked money out of my bank accounts for no reason. This behavior is at contrast with what I support others with in my coaching work.
Whether to family members, in my writing here or in my coaching work, I am about encouraging and reminding others that we are more than we think we are. Yet my Google Calendar, booked with facials, lasers and Botox over the next six months, reveals a different self belief system. I am a midlife looksmaxxer.
More than that, I’m a lifelong looksmaxxer, one who is growing weary.
As an adult, I would justify my looksmaxxing endeavors and investments of time, mental energy and money as “needed” for my both my confidence and my work. It was helpful not just my public facing roles on TV but my business roles, too. Remaining youthful and attractive helps create some level of job security for women, which data supports. We don’t have to be on TV for beauty and thinness to create insurance, women in the workforce experience this pressure – and payoff – as well.
- One study showed that a 10% increase in a woman’s body mass is associated with a 6% decrease in income. No comparable pattern exists for men
- A 15-year study of 43,000+ MBA graduates found attractive graduates had a 52.4% higher chance of holding a more desirable job and earned 2.4% more annually — a premium worth about $2,508/year, rising to $5,528/year for the most attractive decile.
- Overweight female executives can see as much as a 16% wage penalty, according to a study
Data supports women staying youthful, attractive and slim. The acrylic nails, hair extensions and even the handbags can bolster a woman’s executive presence, too. This elevated presence is helpful in my work. It creates aura, credibility and gravitas, when done right.
My desire for more of this coincides with society giving me signals that my value is changing. Through micro glimpses, society gives clues to women (and also men) about a (perceived) diminishing value. When my kids and I walk into a room, darting eyes glance at my teen daughter and son, when, before, they were turned to me.
It’s like I’m turning invisible.
In my public facing work, employers want Gen Z’ers hosts with fresh perspectives; wisdom doesn’t sell for women on TV. This can make me feel badly about myself at times, like I’m losing relevance and visibility in the world.
So, I grasp. Our bodies and looks are one easy way to gain control. Some of the effort is necessary to be successful and out in the world. Women in our 40s and 50s have vibrancy, agency and power that previous generations never had. We are changing the narrative on what women can look like and live like at this stage of life. Yet, I see that some efforts can be released. Gently.
But which ones and how to start?
First, start by noticing. Start noticing in the mirror, in your mind and in your efforts when you are focused on your exterior and perfectionistic ideas. In your morning routine this week, notice what you say to yourself and how often. The messages will probably surprise you.
Second, get curious about the why. Are you putting on makeup to have your ‘game face’ on and be your most confident self for your meeting or are you doing it for some other reason? Do you feel pressure to cover up something or that you can’t leave the house looking a certain way? What’s the energy behind your actions? Why are you getting the Botox or that new cream?
Third, align more. When I am aware of critical tendencies and a negative ‘why’ behind what I’m doing, that’s my chance to change my pattern. I pause, pivot or add something that’s more positive and in support of myself. For example, if I’m hating something about the way my face is crinkling, I try to see if I can live with it a little and learn to love it – even a little. Another idea is to align before making beauty purchases.
Do I need this?
Does this bring me joy?
What am I trying to fix?
Do I enjoy this or find this beautiful?
Pausing and asking ourselves these questions puts our money in alignment with our higher selves and ties it to our actions.
Lastly, remember your source of power. My superpowers do not reside on the outside. They are sourced from the inside – from my character, my intellect and my desire to do good and connect with others – and that is what shines through. When I focus on what matters and my true source of strength and beauty, what isn’t fades into the background more.
I will never quit my facials because I love them so much. I may never see my bathroom counter top anytime soon, too. But in my micro actions and daily curiosity, I can start to align my thoughts and actions to be more in tune with the woman I am, both inside and out.
